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Love and Marriage

At 46, I'm still growing as a woman. After my marriage ended about nine years ago, I had a completely different idea of how life whould go. In my mind, I imagined a wonderful man loving me so much that he would accept my beautiful children and love them as his own simply because they are mine. I could almost see him playing catch with my son in the backyard while I was listening to music making dinner. He would rustle my son's hair after a good game of catch. Then after he mowed the lawn, he'd come in and shower and join me in a glass of wine before dinner.He'd sit down and say "I sure would love to start a project around the house, any ideas?" To which I would say, "Relax, let's just enjoy each other a while....well maybe a deck off the kitchen would be nice" It was a beautiful romantic notion.

Nine years and a few failed relationships later. My house needs painting and  I've had a  new Septic system put in. That's the only project that went into completion for a failed Title V.There was no knight in shining armor, just some big machinery and a gigantic bill that I will pay off by the time I am dead. I've lived a million lives since then.

However, I started growing and learning more and more about myself. I started loving being the "boss" of me. I started dreaming and dreaming big. I regained my life, my self. I took on new and exciting adventures alone and I loved it. I had no one holding me back. I fell in love a time or two. There were a few that wanted to marry me, but when marriage entered the picture, I fled.

It was in my head, that marriage would stop my dreams. Marriage would stifle me. I raised my kids during the hard years. We developed a bond that to this day is amazing. We got through the tough times.

Financially, I've been broke my whole adult life. Broke but happy. There's something about making something work on a limited income that excites me. Don't get me wrong, I've cried and worried and spent sleepless nights thinking about robbing Peter to pay Paul. I just thought "I can do this on my own." I didn't want to NEED help. I've always wanted someone to add to my life, not to my burdens.

At first, I didn't like sleeping alone. Now, I LOVE it. I can sleep on either side of the bed, or both for that matter! I can go after my dreams and passions with conviction. I guess I learned to be self sufficient and happy in that.

Now, I am in a relationship as close to the one I envisioned a million years ago and still I hesitate. He wants to marry me and I am still not ready. I don't know if it's his wanting- to- be -with- me- all- the- time thing. Or his lack of his own life and wanting to be consumed in mine. Or is it just my not wanting to give up the life I worked so hard to get?

We toss this around fairly often. I cannot commit, not yet. Not to marriage. I do not want any other man, but I do want my dreams and space. I guess I want it all.

One day many years ago, my mother said to me, after I had undergone major surgery, "What about that nice guy who owns his house" I said "Mom, I don't like him THAT way" She said "Well, sometimes you have to settle." Well, I nearly busted every stitch blasting her for that comment. She is from another time and only wants her daughter cared for, but I am from a time where I look at my two daughters and say "NEVER SETTLE!"

I do love my boyfriend, but I'll never marry until I feel much more ready. He knows I may never be ready, in which case, we'd have to make a deicison then. How long is too long? Only we can decide that.